The short film is now online in its entirety! Check it out here and let me know what you think!

So ThinkGeek.com launched a new product this year, Canned Unicorn Meat. They dubbed it “the new white meat.”

The National Pork Board then sent them a cease and desist for infringing upon their slogan, “the other white meat.” Which would be a valid legal concern, that is, if Unicorns were real. But they’re not. So it’s parody.

Head over to ThinkGeek.com to read more. It’s a really funny story!

This photo = ridiculous. Everyone knows unicorns migrate in the winter.

Awwoooooo!!!!

Apparently I missed out during high school. If you’re a middle class suburban kid with a decent enough lifestyle (decent enough to buy clothes from the nearest mall), you don’t have to be emo to vent your frustrations while awkwardly transitioning from adolescence to young adulthood! (And you don’t have to be goth either! [translated: emo in denial]) Isn’t that righteous?

And guess what? You get to have a badass name. Or a lame name. I’m not sure which it is. As Anthony Hopkins would say, “Run free. Kill or be killed. Be a part of….THE WOLF PACK!”

Note: Anthony Hopkins didn’t say that last part and does not endorse this post nor wolves nor does he have a preferred mode of adolescent expression, at least to my knowledge.

Watch the news video:

Decision point: Wolf pack is fine, but being referred to as “Tails” isn’t just lame, it’s unbelievably lame. Let’s call vampires, “fangs.” And mummies “band-aids.” And zombies, “rots.” Wait, I actually kind of like that one.

Seriously though. There are kids calling themselves werewolves and they’re in wolf packs. Or, they’re wolf pack members and the reporters don’t understand that a werewolf is a monster, not a person in tune with animal spirits. The kids in the video don’t really say werewolf, in fact, they keep talking about the animal inside and how we all have the spirit of an animal within and we just have to figure out which one it is. So they’re actually Native Americans. Or Power Rangers. To be honest, I’m really confused.

They also talk about not wanting attention and yet everything they do is a cry for attention. I know, I know, they’re teenagers, they aren’t aware that everything we do as a teenager is a desperate attempt to distance ourselves from our daily lives in order to make more sense of what we like and don’t like about the things we’ve gained from our environment. Still, they don’t even feel a little bit hypocritical doing TV interviews?

And I know this is nerdy and nitpicky of me, but look at this shoddy reporting. The phrasing in the video makes it seem like Lon Chaney, Jr. starred as The Wolf Man in Universal’s classic series in the 30′s. But they’re dummies. The Wolf Man, the first time the character appeared, was released in 1941. Now if you want to get really technical, there was a werewolf movie released by Universal in the 30′s starring Henry Hull, but what teenager idolizes Henry Hull over Lon Chaney, Jr., the quintessential tormented soul? Sorry, Henry.

It was probably the hat. Bad move, Henry.

I can’t make fun of these kids too much, as I happen to absolutely love werewolves. They’re just teenagers being teenagers, and that’s totally cool. We’ve all been there before. In fact, I have to say I support these kids, because they’ve probably adopted the title of werewolves in protest of the portrayal of the creatures in the ever so popular Twilight saga. I bet they’re just pissed off that millions of people think that a werewolf is a buff young guy with a 10 year old’s voice that turns into a fluffier version of a husky when he’s feeling frisky. So if they’re out and about spreading the word about Lawrence Talbot and keeping the faith alive, I’m game. (I can hear the shocked cries of their peers now: “What’s that you say, in the sequel he meets Frankenstein?! That must be a monstrously good time!” “Actually he meets Frankenstein’s monster, not Dr. Frankenstein himself.” “Dude you totally ruined my pun moment.”)

And apparently this is occurring at multiple schools! These werewolves are networking! That’s more motivation than I ever showed as a teenager, I can tell you that. That’d be a pretty awesome past position on LinkedIn, too…

Too bad their howls sound like they’re imitating a puppy that’s just been castrated. They should work on that.

The Wolfman (the recent remake) comes out on DVD next week. I wonder if they’d be up for a DVD-watching party?